


He Who Mourns

by iam_spock (FanficbyLee)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, McSpirk - Freeform, Triumvirate, Vulcan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-11
Updated: 2013-12-12
Packaged: 2018-01-01 03:33:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1039860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanficbyLee/pseuds/iam_spock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One year after Vulcan's destruction, Spock goes to New Vulcan to attend a ceremony to honor their dead and his mother. Jim and Bones go with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has not been abandoned. At the start of the new year, my father passed away, and dealing with Spock's grief has hit me a little too close to home. I will be adding chapters as soon as I can.

Personal Log: For the past 450 days I had taken full advantage of being able to be in two places at once, but on the anniversary of my mother’s death and the death of Vulcan, I could no longer hide behind my duty to Enterprise and Starfleet. I had not observed a period of mourning, preferring to grieve at my own pace in private—as I did most things. I felt no need to share my pain instead I ran away from it, pretending that I did not hurt. It was illogical of me to think that it would fade. Out of sight; out of mind seldom works where emotional turmoil is concerned. I missed my mother, and as much as I’d avoided returning to Vulcan in the years since I’d left for the Academy, I wanted to go home, home to a planet that did not exist. 

***

“I should like a leave of absence, Captain. I believe I have three months of accrued leave saved, but two weeks should be enough time for me to take care of a personal matter.” I did not tell him what the matter was. We might be friends, but that did not mean that I wanted his sympathy or concern. I wanted no pity. If Nyota asked me how I was feeling one more time, I would snap. My mother would ask me that, and to hear it daily from another was like a knife in my soul. 

“Mr. Spock.” The Captain looked up from the PADD where he was reading my request as well as accessing my records and his blue eyes widened. “In all your years in Starfleet, you’ve only taken leave once before.” 

“Do I not have enough time accrued?” I was in no mood to explain. For once could he not be curious? Why did James T. Kirk always have to look under the rug—especially with me? 

“Of course you do, but Spock I need to know that you’re all right.” 

“Your concern is appreciated, Captain, but…” I let out a heavy sigh. He would not let me simply vanish. “I realize that it is human behavior to ask where I am going as it is a part of sharing the experience, but I do not wish to talk about it.” 

“Spock, come on. I’m your Captain, and I’m your friend. OK, maybe not best friends, but you can’t just ask to go on leave and not tell me why. It’d be illogical.” He smiled brightly at me, thinking that I could not possibly argue that it was very much logical for me to do so. 

“I need to go to New Vulcan, Jim. The colonists are having a ceremony to honor our dead. They will be saying goodbye to our world, and while I have not been there before, I feel the need to be there for this. I hope that you can understand.” 

His smile vanished and he reached across his desk and touched the back of my hand before I could pull it away. “I can’t begin to understand what that’s like, Spock. I was there, and I can’t wrap my brain around it. Of course you can go. Hell, I’ll have Enterprise take you there. No reason for you to take private transport or another ship. We’re between missions right now anyway, and I want to go with you.” 

“With me?” I had not pulled my hand away from his, and I could feel his need to protect me. The emotions were as warm as his fingers on my cooler skin, and as much as I had wanted to do this alone, I realized that he would never allow it, and I wanted the company. “That would be acceptable, Captain. Please let me know if Enterprise will be able to make the journey if not I will need keep my ticket New Vulcan, as you can imagine that ship will be very crowded.” We were all going to our home that was not home. 

***

I was in my quarters, looking at how little I had to pack. I had brought little to Enterprise, seeing no reason to bring more on board until we were sent on a long range mission. There were a few treasured mementoes from my apartment in San Francisco, pictures of my parents, a rock that I’d found in the Forge as a child, and several of my mother’s favorite books. She had sent all of them to me when I made it clear that I would not be returning to Sarek’s home, and now they were all that I had left of her. 

There was a knock on the door, and when I told the computer to open it, McCoy was standing there. “Please come in, Doctor,” I said, motioning for him to sit down while I placed a pair of shirts in my duffel that were not Starfleet issued. “I gather by the expression on your face that the Captain told you my plans?” 

“He did,” McCoy said as he took the offered seat. “You doin’ alright?” 

“Why must everyone ask me that?” I turned and sat on the edge of my bed. “I have no answer that seems to be acceptable.” If I did perhaps they would stop asking. “No, I am not all right, but there is nothing I can do about it. I have mourned my mother. I thought I was ready to move on, but the pain has been getting worse.” 

“Spock, you felt your planet die. I was in Medbay with the refugees. I know how much it hurt them. Your telepathic abilities are exceptional even compared to most Vulcans. Not to cheapen your own grief, but it’s possible you’re feelin’ your peoples’ grief and yours. There are more Vulcans on Earth than ever before. Isn’t it logical to think you’re pickin’ up their nerves?” 

I looked at him in stunned silence, shocked that the most emotional person I knew could come to such a logical conclusion and more than likely be correct. “It had not occurred to me.” 

“Well, you’re goin’ to need to build up your walls, and you can stop packing. Jim got Starfleet to give us the go ahead to go to New Vulcan, and we’re taken a bunch of your people with us.” 

“I have no idea what a bunch equals, but thank you for the warning and the information. I shall attempt to center myself, but I doubt that their emotions will be as unshielded as mine are.” 

“Why do you do that?” McCoy asked, leaning forward with his hands on his knees. “You gotta stop talking like they’re better than you are. You’re one of the strongest people I know, Spock. You held your shit together when your world was torn apart.” 

“At the time, did we not have a talk about me roaming the halls and weeping, Doctor?” 

“We did, but you didn’t. You probably should’ve, but I know it’s not your way. You’re dealing with what you didn’t have time for back then, and I wanted you to know that I’m here if you need me.” 

He was right—again—I was thinking that I was less than the full blooded Vulcans who would be onboard soon. I had a tendency to do that, born from years of being told that I was not good enough. Yet another haunting emotional response that I needed to control before they boarded. 

“Thank you, Leonard.” I think it was the first time I used his given name, and I could see the warmth in his eyes spread into a small smile. “I will let you know if I need your help. But for now,” I said, as I unpacked my bag. “I shall see if my assistance is needed to settle our guests.” 

***

Personal Log: Where once I had planned to slip away to New Vulcan on my own with a ticket on a passenger ship, I was now surrounded by a dozen Vulcans, three of which had entered Starfleet Academy since the destruction of our world. The rest were from the Vulcan Embassy, and I was thankful that I knew none of them personally. It made it easier for me to keep their thoughts and emotions from seeping through the mental barriers that I had in place. I did not seek out their company, and I made it impossible for them to see me once they were given quarters. 

That of course did not mean that I was able to avoid the Captain or Dr. McCoy. I had apparently become their favorite obsession. 

***

New Vulcan filled the majority of the main view screen. I had been scanning the system on our way to the colony planet. I could not help but compare the world that I had known as home to the new one, noting the larger polar caps and the increased amount of water. While still primarily a desert planet, New Vulcan had twice the water of Vulcan. I could not help but wonder what changes in evolution, both physical and cultural, that would have on my people over the millennia to come. 

“Ready to beam down, Spock?” The Captain asked as he came to stand beside me. “The others have already gone down. I assumed that you wouldn’t want to go with them, considering how much work you’ve gone to avoiding them on the way here.” 

“I did not wish to share my…” I stopped glancing at the bridge crew while I attempted to find the correct words. These people were my family. Most of them had seen me throttle their Captain, so it would be no surprise to them that I had emotions. They knew. “My feelings on the matter with strangers, Jim. But would you and Dr. McCoy care to join me on the surface for the ceremony?” 

“I would be honored, Spock. We’ll grab Bones on the way. It’ll be great. You know how much he hates his dress uniform.” He gave my shoulder a friendly slap, which seemed to be his favorite way of interacting with me, and we left the bridge. 

***

“If I pass out it’s because this thing is strangling me.” Doctor McCoy was tugging at his uniform collar as the Captain and I came into the transporter room. 

“Having no Vulcan robes and scarcely any clothing that was not from Earth, I am grateful for my dress uniform, Doctor,” I said as I stepped to my usual place on the Pad.

“You would be,” he added with a snort, and then offered me a smile and nod to show his support. He complained when he was nervous, and I understood it was a coping mechanism for him. Mine was to submerge myself in logic. McCoy’s was to swim in sarcasm. It was easier for us to get along now that we understood each other better. “Thank you for inviting me, Spock.” 

“Of course, Doctor. You are my closest friends. It is you who honor me by attending the ceremony with me.” In truth I was afraid. I hid it well. I had years of practice, but soon I would be surrounded by close to ten thousand Vulcans who felt the same way that I did if not more so since they had still been part of Vulcan society where I was not. 

“It’s our honor, Spock,” Jim said. He nodded at Mr. Scott at the transporter controls. “Energize.”


	2. Chapter 2

While I would have preferred to beam down to a quiet area of the city near the new sacred ground where the ceremony would take place, decorum required that we beam down to the main transport hub. The air within the building was warm and dry, and I was certain to hear McCoy complain about it soon as was his nature. I took a deep breath. It smelled almost like home but from inside of the building it was hard to tell. I knew that the air quality was nearly identical to Vulcan although the humidity was higher, but for the first time since I’d decided to attend the ceremony, I wanted to see what New Vulcan was like. 

“My father should be here, or another envoy with transportation to take us to the temple grounds. According to the maps, they are on the far side of the city, near the lake.” I scanned crowd, looking for my father or the Ambassador. It seemed logical that Spock might be here to welcome us. 

“A lake, bet that’ll take some getting used to,” McCoy said with a smile. 

“Very much so, Doctor. The water near the Vulcan capital was underground, which is why my people broke ground there,” I told him as we walked toward the doors. 

Aside from when we had been limping on our way back to Earth after defeating Nero, it had been years since I had been among so many Vulcans. It felt strange. I had grown accustomed to Earth where a crowd such as this would be chattering away, laughing and frequently complaining, but here there was quiet. The voices that I could hear were subdued. The speech patterns were regulated and showed no stray excitement or any other emotion. 

McCoy brushed the back of his hand against mine to get my attention. I could see the unspoken question in his eyes. “Yes, Doctor, I am all right. I can sense their grief, but it is nothing that I cannot handle.” 

He nodded and I caught Jim’s eyes before he could also question me. I appreciated their concern, but this was not the place for me to tell them that. I could feel the attention we were garnering from those who recognized us—not that we would not draw attention in our Starfleet uniforms. I had been a curiosity as a child being half-human. Then I had become one again when I rejected the Science Academy to join Starfleet, but after Nero, very few of the survivors of Vulcan did not know my face. I was under a microscope where each and every action would be cataloged and judged. And I hated it. 

“There’s your father, Spock,” Jim said, pointing with his chin toward where my father was standing near the exit. 

Sarek’s hair was greyer than it had been a year ago, and he looked thinner than he should be. There was no lack of food on the planet. The Federation had made certain that the colonists would not be without, but knowing how much my father and I were alike, I logically assumed that he had not been eating enough. I would need to speak with his housekeeper. He undoubtedly had bullied whoever was in his employ into not insisting that he eat. 

“Father.” I inclined my head slightly, holding up my hand in the ta’al. “It is agreeable to see you.” 

“It is agreeable to see you as well, my son. Captain Kirk, Dr. McCoy, welcome to New Vulcan. I have made arrangements for you to stay at my home as well as Spock. Please tell me that you will stay.” 

“We would be honored to, sir,” Jim said with what had to be the biggest smile on the planet. “We had planned on returning to Enterprise, but if we are not an inconvenience, we would like that a great deal.” 

“Thank you, Ambassador,” McCoy said. “We’re grateful for the hospitality.” 

“I will have Yeoman Rand beam down clothing and toiletries for you and the Captain, Doctor,” I assured him as I was the only one of the three of us prepared to stay. McCoy wasn’t the only one grateful for my father’s hospitality. I was, because no one made me more nervous than Sarek. 

“The ceremony will begin at sundown. We have time to take a short tour of the city. I have a vehicle ready for us,” Sarek said, as he motioned for us to follow him out to the street. 

 

Outside the air was warmer, but it lacked the taste of dust that I was used to. The higher humidity made the air thicker as well, and I found it disconcerting. Neither the captain nor McCoy complained about it, not that I expected them to in front of my father—even Jim was on his best behavior in front of the man. I found that quite interesting, but I also appreciated it greatly. The sober occasion would not be served by Jim’s usual chaos. 

I stopped at the top step, slowly taking in the scene around us. In the year they had been here, they had built a sprawling city. There were no gravity defying buildings hanging from beneath cliffs of stone, but there were few rock formations that would support such architecture here at least not in this area of the planet. I filed that away as another part of home that I would miss. 

But what buildings were finished were quite typically Vulcan, and new construction was replacing pre-made emergency buildings in several locations. “I am pleased to see that it is not a carbon copy of Shikahr.” 

“As am I,” Sarek said. “There are similarities, which is of course logical, but this is a new world. We cannot create a clone of Vulcan here.” 

***

I listened as my father answered the Captain and McCoy’s questions about the city as we slowly made our way to the temple. I kept to myself, sitting in the back behind Jim and next to the Doctor, while I memorized the layout of the new city. Occasionally I would recognize a face as one of the refugees we had taken on Enterprise, but the majority of the population had been off world when Vulcan was destroyed and I did not know them. 

The closer we got to the temple the more I began to feel the pressure of the shared grief pounding against my mind. My lips drew into a thin line as we pulled into the parking area, and Jim and my father got out of the car. Before I could get out McCoy grabbed my hand and squeezed my fingers. 

“It’ll be all right, Spock. You’re not alone. Jim and me, we’re here for you. Not all of them.” He glanced at the milling crowd of my people heading for the arched entrances of the temple. “You.” 

“Doctor,” I told him quietly, fighting the well of emotions his words brought on, and leaned across the seat, to whisper in his ear. I was after all surrounded by hundreds of Vulcans with hearing as sharp as mine. “If you are trying to help me contain my emotions, it would be better if you did not say things like that.” 

“I’ll try to be careful once we’re outside of the car, Mr. Spock,” he promised and cast a sad smile my direction. “Jim would’ve said the same thing if he’d had the chance.” 

“I know, and I appreciate it more than I can say.” 

Few words were spoken by anyone as we took our seats near my father. As one of the few surviving elders, and us his guests, we had a place of honor near the priestesses. They on the other hand were much younger than I was used to; promoted obviously since so many of the caste had perished. 

“Is Ambassador Spock attending?” I asked Sarek when I did not see him. 

“He will be here,” my father said. There was open sadness in his eyes, and strangely I found that a comfort. It was good to know that my mother’s influence was still on him. This was not a time for any of us to be like the stones of our lost world. “He is much like you. Always on time, but frequently rushed as he finds it difficult to give up on his current projects before leaving for his destination.” 

“I learned that from you, father.” 

“So you did.” He touched my face, letting me feel his love for me and the pain we also shared for my mother. “Although I was waiting for you to beam down right on schedule.” 

It was good to see that he could joke with me. It wasn’t the boisterous joking that I was used to with my crew, but for my father, he was close to laughing out loud. I felt like I was in a bubble of safety with my father, Jim and Leonard surrounding me, and that sense of security increased when my older self arrived. 

“Captain, Doctor, Mr. Spock,” he said. I had thought to see a hint of a smile in his eyes. Something that I had seen on those rare occasions when we were together, but today there was shame and sorrow. “Welcome to New Vulcan.” 

I knew what he wanted to add to his welcome. He wanted to say that it would be better for us to be together for a happier occasion, but while he might feel it, as did I, he could not say it. 

The temple bells rang, chimes jingling on the wind, and what few people had been talking stopped. I turned toward the altar, and listened to the litany for our lost world and loved ones. Around me the walls that held back the tide of emotions chipped away. I caught glimpses, memories of loved ones lost. Shared moments of joy—of life and death—followed by nightmare images of watching the singularity devour everything in its wake. 

My mother’s death. The look on her face, when she turned her back on the horror to reach for me. The crushing defeat I felt when the cliff crumbled beneath her feet. “I should never have let her go. It was my fault.” 

“It wasn’t your fault, Spock.” Jim had his hand on my shoulder. 

“I did not mean to speak out loud,” I told him in a hushed whisper. Around us others were sharing memories and there were tears leaving trails on faces where none had been before. “If I had held on…” 

“You can’t know what would have happened. You might have fallen too.” He ran his hand down my arm to take my hand in his. “I’m holding onto you now. I’m not letting go. You know I can’t do this without you. I need you. The Enterprise needs you.” 

“And I need the Enterprise.” And you. I met McCoy’s eyes over Jim’s shoulder. Letting them both know that I needed them as much as they needed me. 

The memorial chant went on for two hours, a fraction of what it would have been if the names of the dead had been spoken out loud. Instead we were instructed to think of those we had lost. To share their names and faces with those around us, and more images flickered behind my eyes of people I did not know. It was not uncommon for emotions to be shared during a memorial or memories, but the scope of this exchange left me feeling light headed. Had we not been seated, I would have fallen to my knees from the onslaught. 

“I am also grateful that you are here with me,” I told them both when the flow of emotions ebbed. My face was wet, and my voice cracked when I spoke. 

“When we are able to leave,” Sarek said, and I could hear the raw emotion in his voice. “We will go to my home for dinner and rest. In the morning, my son, we will have a private ceremony for your mother. Your friends are of course welcome as are you, Spock.” 

“I am afraid that I must decline,” Ambassador Spock said, bowing his head. “I do not wish to intrude, but I would enjoy joining you for dinner tonight. It would be nice to be around my friends old and new.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim, Spock and McCoy run into T'Pring, and Spock finds out that he is fine.

By the time we made our way from the temple my hands had stopped shaking. I was not the only one affected by the ceremony. For the first time in my life, I would not be judged for letting my emotional control slip, because from what I could see only those who had been through Kolinahr had been spared the pain. There comes a point where the pain shifts from the mind to the body, and I was feeling that now. My very bones ached. 

Jim and Leonard walked besides me while the Ambassadors, as I had come to think of my father and older self, walked ahead of us. Spock’s guilt was impossible for me to block. It made me lag behind, which forced my companions to slip back as well. I knew that if faltered that they would carry me or sit with me while I gathered my thoughts. 

“Spock,” Jim asked, unable to keep as silent as the few who had not departed. “Do you want to wander around the city a little before we go to your father’s? I’m pretty sure Bones won’t mind.” 

“I am uncertain,” I told him honestly. I was uncertain because what I wanted more than anything was to be held and to beam up to Enterprise. I wanted my duty, my schedule, my routine and my life to smooth over the wounds in my soul. Distance would make it easier, but I knew that I had to face this. Running away to Enterprise was the coward’s way, and I have never been a coward. 

“Spock,” my father had stopped and turned back to me. “I have preparations to make for tonight and tomorrow.” He held up his hand when I automatically opened my mouth to offer to assist him. “I also need time to meditate. I will leave my vehicle with you. Ambassador Spock can take me to the house.” 

“Yes, father,” I said with a nod of my head and a silent thank you. For a brief moment I was jealous that he wanted the other version of me with him instead of me, but that was an extremely illogical thought. He was sparing me his pain, allowing me the shelter of my human friends to gather my thoughts and find my center. 

I sat on one of the empty benches in the temple allowing more of the crowd to clear with my friends. Leonard sat next to me while Jim hovered as he often did. “He’s a mess too,” Jim said.

“They both are,” I answered. “It is strange to share my father after being an only child, and to share him with another me…I am not sure how to explain that.” 

“As if anyone could,” Leonard added with a snort. His hand found mine once more, and I returned the sign of affection. “But I can’t imagine this is easy for the other Spock.” 

“There are survivors who blame him for what happened,” I told them. “Vulcans are not above gossip in case you were wondering. They can be thankful for what we did to save them, but they can resent him for his part in this. It is wrong them to do so. He had no control over Nero. What he tried to do in his time was the logical thing to do. Yes, our lives are different because he changed our path, but I do not blame him for his actions. Do you, Jim?” 

Jim’s life had changed so much. I did not know all the details of course, Spock shared little with me, but I knew that George Kirk’s death at Nero’s hands had set the course for Jim’s future. We had talked about it during our year on Enterprise, but I needed to hear him say the words again.

“No, Spock, I don’t blame him. Spock tried to save a world. And as fucked up as my life was because of those changes, I’ve still got you and Bones, which is just how it’s supposed to be. I know that much. He’s not exactly generous with the details, but I know from that mind meld that the three of us need to be partners.” Jim reached for my free hand and pulled me to my feet. “Come on, let’s get some food. I’m hungry, and knowing you, you didn’t eat today.” 

I did not tell Jim that I had not eaten in two days. My appetite was nonexistent, which was no surprise to me. It often vanished when I was under emotional stress. I was fairly certain that they both were well aware that I had been avoiding the mess hall, and McCoy probably suspected that I hadn’t been dining in my quarters either. But I did manage to eat a full meal once a restaurant had been selected. I thought it best to let them decide as Dr. McCoy might not be as adventurous as Jim was about trying new foods. 

There were many restaurants serving food from Earth as well as other planets to feed the construction workers who were helping to turn the colony into a home for us. It would be unthinkable for them not to be allowed to enjoy their native cuisines. It was strange for me to see such a mingling of people in a Vulcan city. It was not this way on Vulcan. Vulcans did not, as my mother put it, work and play well with others. 

“Spock?” I stopped walking at the sound of a woman calling my name. I knew that voice, even though I had not heard it in years, not since my last trip to Vulcan. 

“T’Pring,” I said, turning on my heels to look at the woman who had been my wife if only for a pair of days. Her hair had been cut into the austere fashion that the majority of us wore. That was nearly as much of a shock as seeing her alive. “I did not expect to see you.” 

“You did not check the list of survivors to look for me,” she said, keeping all emotion from her voice, but I could see a touch of disappointment in her eyes. “That seems unlike you.” 

“You made it quite clear when I saw you last that you had no need for me in your life, T’Pring, therefore I had no reason to inquire as to your wellbeing.” 

“Logical,” she replied and then cast her eyes at my companions. “Captain, Commander, please excuse my interruption.” She gathered her robe about her and slipped between us, leaving the familiar scent of her perfume in her wake. 

“Who was that?” Leonard asked as they both watched her go. 

“That was my wife.” I waited until she was far enough down the street not to overhear us. “I will tell you the story when we get to my father’s home. It was not a pleasant experience. I would prefer to share it with you both in private. Tonight after dinner.” 

“It’s OK, Spock. We can wait,” Jim said, bumping McCoy’s shoulder to keep him from asking me anymore questions.

***

My father’s home was fortunately not a carbon copy of the estate that I grew up in. It was placed on the edge of a cliff, overlooking a canyon where a wide river raced. Sarek had his love of a good view that seemed to be a family trait. Our lands before were chosen for that reason, and I made note of the area where our new family temple would be built. I recognized it by the circular shape of the cleared ground. Considering the progress on the house itself, it was obvious that the temple would be next. 

The house was not as large as before, but there was room to spread out. In the years to come my father might take another wife, after all, and I might have siblings. If our family line were to continue, his next mate would need to be Vulcan. There were few cousins left to perpetuate our lineage.

Jim caught me leaning on the balcony, watching the river, which would take some getting used to. “McCoy had to go back to the ship. He’ll be back in time for dinner. You OK?” 

“I am fine.” As always fine had become my definitive answer for my mental and emotional state.

“Fine good, find bad, or fine in between?” He leaned on the rail next to me, letting the side of his hand touch mine. “Fine’s pretty vague.” 

“That is an old argument I had with my mother.” I kept my eyes on the water, finding the way it sparkled in the sunlight quite lovely. “This is a good place, and I am moving from vaguely fine to good fine.” 

“You want to tell me about the girl?” 

“It was Pon Farr, Jim. I do not know how much you know about it. We do not—“

“I know the basics.” His lips pulled into a line, and he put his hand over mine. “I know that you lose control of your emotions, and that you have to come back to Vulcan. How’s that going to work, by the way?” 

“Those are the basics,” I agreed and then arched a brow at the last question. “It is not Vulcan that we must return to exactly. We must return to mate with another of our species, and in my case I came back to mate with the girl I had been bonded to when I was seven. The next time it happens to me, I will require a substitute.” 

“Because you don’t like her?” 

“Because she did not want me.” I took a step away from Jim, casting my eyes toward the interior of the house to make sure that neither of my father’s two servants was hovering. It wasn’t because they would be nosy. It was because as guests, they would want to be near us to be at our beck and call should we need them. 

“T’Pring loved another. She wanted him, and he wanted her. Do you know about koon-ut-kal-if-fee?”

“Marriage or challenge? I’m trying to learn more Vulcan,” he said. He’d turned, leaning his hip against the rail to watch me tell my story. “I got curious about you, so I’ve been doing some studying.” 

“Thank you, Jim. I appreciate that.” He was trying. He and Leonard both were, which was why they were my friends. I knew that I could depend on them. They were keeping me sane. “But yes, she chose the challenge. I defeated Stonn, and T’Pring was married to me. We mated as was required. The blood fever ended, and she dissolved the marriage. I went back to Earth, back to Starfleet where I belonged.” 

“I’m glad you came back to Starfleet, Spock, but I’m sorry she hurt you. Shouldn’t she have known that you might win?” 

“I believe she thought I would be weak being a hybrid. But I understood the logic of her preferring him over me. He could give her children. I cannot.” 

“Spock, I—“ Jim almost reached out for me, but he stopped himself, casting his own look toward the inside of the house. 

“The pain of that experience has been with me for five years, but after Nero, it is no longer the deep wound that it once was.” I offered him a nod of my head and a slight smile tugged at the corner of my mouth that only he could see. “I am fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Fic - Grand Illusion - http://archiveofourown.org/works/919171  
> Tells the story of Spock's Pon Farr.


End file.
